Going through it, but that's the only way out, right?
I've been watching a lot of heavy movies lately! Who knew exploring the "topography of female neurosis in exploitation and horror films" would be such a doozy. I should probably mix in a few things of lighter fare or start pacing myself a little better. I am enjoying myself immensely and am feeling more inspired by film than I have in a long time, but it's also sort of an oppressive headspace to spend so much time in. There is a part of me that feels like if you go down deep and dark enough you're bound to come out to light on the other side, but what if you just never see the light of day again? Yeah, so as you can see - things are going well, hahaha. Nothing but rainbows and sunshine to see here!
In other news, I've been feeling the guilt of not having been to Kung Fu in a bit. Turns out the variation of the horse stance that we practice is particularly awful for my knees and is the source of the flare ups and pain I've been having. I am starting PT tomorrow to see if I can strengthen things up to continue practicing, but I've got to stop avoiding class if possible. I can accept that I'm afraid of my physical limitations, but again -- I think we're going to have to work through this one. Not really a way around it unless I want to just give in to disintegration. Which I don't think I'm ready for just yet.
Psychotic Women and Choice Points
Ugh, I am feeling some kind of way. (Imagine that!) My instinct here is to launch immediately into some kind of self-deprecating joke, but my instincts are admittedly terrible. I'm a walking talking defense mechanism. I imagine once it served a purpose, but I feel spring loaded, ready to just burst forward with little warning. Are there other options? My auto-pilot doesn't have my best interest at heart. I seem to gloss over all the parts of my day where I could assert control and choose differently. Though today there was a spark.
While meditating I was working with the "See Out" method - a method I typically avoid - though I would have never presumed actively until I felt today's resistance. I would be one of those assholes that refers to themselves as "a visual person", but in practice I don't think I'm actually paying any attention. I prefer to close my eyes or drift out of focus so that I can swim in some internal state. Seeing actively requires a presence I am keen to give away/abandon in lieu of some internal feeling or fantasy. But what if....
CUT TO:
I've started what is sure to be the slow process of reading and watching my way though House of Psychotic Women by Kier-la Janisse This book feels monumental to me. I have been thinking and dancing around film-centric memoir/analysis -- and low and behold - a north star!
I already went over to Facets to rent some of the movies it talks about in the early chapters. The Entity felt like a revelation - though a dark and unrelenting one. I've got The Collector queued up next.
Another Day
I have been feeling like a restless slug lately. Equal parts rocket and the blob. It's not an ideal combo since I sort of just end up doing nothing, but anxiously.
I drew the two of wands this morning. It's a lovely card to project my stuckness upon. I've managed to avoid dissapointment by avoiding my desires, sure - but in turn I've grown resentful and depressed. Huzzah!
Now just to channel that into this website! Or Garden! Or Sewing! Or Kung Fu! Or Movies! Or whatever the fuck I'm on this week.
Why-O-Why?
Me ignoring my own bad habits.
Not sure exactly what my plan is here. How typical! New hobbies like creating a website from scratch might normally be considered a healthy outlet for one to invest ones time, but -- for me it could likely just be a pseudo-healthy avoidance tactic. No spell check on these things is going to be a little rough, huh. Apologies in advance, afterwards, and probably during.
Snark aside - I've been toying around with dumping my brain onto the internet for while in a more secret and potentially libarating space. Could this be it?
